Anonymous asked: My partner wants polyamory. I'm too insecure about myself and don't like the girl that he chose. I don't want to leave him but is it the only way for us three?
This has warning flags going up all over it. Let’s make the most out of it.
I’m a firm believer that people ask questions of the people who they think will give them the answer they want to hear. I have a very pro-poly blog, so in asking me, I think you are honestly looking for encouragement and support. That is, you already have somewhere a willingness to open up this relationship. (I’m using Poly loosely here because you haven’t provided much detail about your current relationship, or what you mean by “he chose”.)
My question to you is: Why? Make a list of reasons why you would would want to open up this relationship. If the answers are all about him, this won’t be successful. But if not, you might be on the verge some very empowering times.
To take that to my relationships I can tell you some of what everyone gets out of Poly —
[edit: removed what I think Z and wife get out of our poly relationship. I feel writing that doesn’t live up to me “don’t speak for them” value.]
* Me: Two incredible, beautiful, intelligent, values driven women who love me. My physical, intellectual, and emotional needs met, without feeling like I smother one or the other. I get to meet my hunger, and not feel like I am recreating the failings of my father.
Forget about all the reasons why polyamory wouldn’t/shouldn’t work for you. Focus on the good that can come of it for you (that you want) and work on making that happen.
Notice how this exercise isn’t about him or your relationship with him. It’s about you. Did you have crush on some other person? Go for it. He never wants to go the museum, go while he’s on a date. Want a triad? Go date a couple (not with him). Want to face your insecurity? Go on some dates. Want to learn to play the piano? Go take lessons. Coupledom is oppressive. Go dance barefoot on its grave.
If you can’t make a list for yourself, or if that list doesn’t hold much of value to you, or if he can’t accept the important things on that list than don’t do it. I don’t know whether you should break up, that’s up to you and your circumstance, but you don’t have to consent to polyamory if you don’t want to.
It also sounds a little like you are thinking about a triad. Polyamory isn’t just triads. You don’t have to like the person he chooses to date on his own. You don’t have to interact much. You just have to ultimately respect each other and negotiated boundaries. You have to have most of your needs met. For example, Wife never much cared for Hipster when I dated her for 6 months. However, wife enjoyed the stability even as she couldn’t get her usual voyeuristic thrill because she didn’t find her attractive. They met just once.
Also not every open relationship is polyamorous. Sounds like you are starting out as a couple, then you also don’t have to open up all at once. Set completely irrational boundaries at first (and know they will fade). Wife’s oddest first rule was only women of color (because that’s who she found hot and she could feel better about “stealing me away” from women of color if she shared me back.) Other rules we had at one time included: sleep at home every night, no sex on the first date, and meet within a month. All have since faded away. With Z there are no more rules. They are peers. All that remains is courtesy. Z and I, however, have negotiated safer sex rules with other partners if we introduce anyone.
Even though Wife, Z, and I gave the triad thing a try, we aren’t a triad. And honestly I don’t give many fucks about relationship classifications. I stopped caring.
That all said, sounds like you need to have more talks with the he (even before you have one — and you will — with her). Insecurity is a condition you feel not a feature you come with. He needs to reassure you. You have to help him do it, by asking for it again and again. Should he know to do so? No. Men are not clairvoyant. We’re clair-ignorant. Actually, all humans are. Assume they are and life goes a lot smoother. It’s great if someone gives you something you don’t ask for, but that’s bonus level. The relationship baseline is whether they give it to you when you ask for it. Try, and try again till it feels right. It will be a moving target.
If it doesn’t feel right, slow down. You are probably moving to fast. If it still doesn’t feel right then, face your choice. Decide your non-negotiable, draw your lines in the sand and decide if he is worth the (poly) price of admission, so that he can decide if you are worth the (mono) price of admission..
Reason #981654918651234 polystumbles is awesome.
Free Stuff is Great
Tomorrow I am picking up some free baby boy clothes, free baby food and free baby cereal, and possibly a few free baby toys for little Jumping Bean.
I also have a pregnant 17 year old first time mother due lined up to take Jumping Bean’s too small newborn clothes.
Looks like joining this local FREE group has already paid off ;)
nonbinarypunk asked: Do you know of other great poly blogs?
Hey, thanks for the ask :)
I follow some really great poly blogs, and I’ve been wanting to do a PSA for people looking for polyamory/non-monogamy information and advice so this give me an awesome opportunity to get this started!
So, here we go!
nonmonogamemes (mostly non-active now, unfortunately)
polyamoryspider (also has a great list of poly blogs on Tumblr)
Polyamory and (Full) Marriage Equality
Polyamory and Kinky/NSFW
These blogs are run by really awesome people who blog about polyamory and a wide variety of other topics, and I’d highly recommend you follow them all if possible!
**PS. Even if it’s not listed under ‘kinky/nsfw’ there may be some adult content in the blog! **
**PS. If I listed you in error, or if I forgot your name (sorry!) just send me a message and I’ll change it ASAP**
**PS. I do realize I hardly scratched the surface of the poly blogs here on Tumblr, so please feel free to reblog and add yourself or someone else! (I’m so sorry if I missed your blog, you’re all awesome :))**
Thanks for the Shout Out!