The longer time passes the worse I get instead of better. Instead of going forward I am back sliding majority. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel defeated and crushed and I just want to lay down forever in a tiny ball. I want to give up because I don’t have any strength left to withstand the blows.



When little black girls, especially little black dark skin girls, enter this world it is very clear, the rules are made very aware, who is beautiful, and valued, and who is not. Simply because we are black, simply because we are not white, we are deemed inferior, unintelligent, and ugly. 

You would rather paint your white women brown, then dare allow a black woman exist and be deemed as beautiful. It is not our place to be called beautiful unless there is a catch, unless there is an asterisk. “You’re pretty!*” 

*for a black girl 

You will spend money tanning, but call black women monkeys and ‘dirty’, our hair styles are ghetto, till your magazine has a step by step tutorial on how to achieve the same look, so it’s not ghetto, it’s just ghetto on us. It ‘works’ on you. 

We are taught certain rules when we are young, ‘You look so much prettier with straight hair!’ ‘Oh, thank god she light skin,’ ‘Don’t stay out in the sun you’ll look burnt,’ ‘Yeah but that hair isn’t professional-‘ 

We are taught to hide, to assimilate, to be close to whiteness because whiteness is acceptable and we are not. We get these rules as children. So to grow up, learning and adapting to these rules, and then seeing white people praised for stealing our culture, our dress,

if a photo of us dressed like that appeared on the news, people would say any injustice we faced, was deserved, ‘look at them, dressed like that.’

But you can wear it, freely, without judgement, without risk. No one would say you deserved to die. No one would give your killer half of a million dollars, as basically a congratulations, a pat on the back, for murdering you. 

Just our natural being is a threat to you, we are born villains to you. We possess this great threat, but at the same time, you look down on us, expect us to be stupid, low class, dirty… we are not on your level, you still see us as your servants in your culture, but pretend to be the gods in ours. 

It’s confusing. It’s confusing to be a black woman, to be made a joke, and all the punch lines, our hair, skin tone, lips, body… you try to imitate, but it’s not that, it isn’t, it’s our very existence that’s a joke to you. And if you are white, and reading this, and offended, 

Fuck you. 

Fuck you, fuck your whole ancestry line, and fuck your future generations. 

top image from here 

I really did try to convey some part of this to my sister, who didn’t get why I reeeeeally dislike Iggy Azalea. Mission: Unsuccessful.

Conversation Outcome - Feelings of Inadequacy

M and I had an intense conversation regarding the issues that my entire Feelings of Inadequacy post spoke about.

Outcome: He absolutely didn’t mean to hurt me (which he never does and I knew that), he thought of it last minute before he had to leave for work, and there wasn’t enough time for him to get off by me.

The half hour before that during the time that I cuddled him up he was three fourths asleep and seriously thought that I was just being cuddly and my normal loveable self which I can see exactly how and why he thought that. Next time I will just have to be more direct >:)

Anyway, M came home for lunch that day during his break just to cuddle me up and we made out lots, and talked while we cuddled the living shit outta each other.

During our talk we spoke about how things have been since the pregnancy and birth, the changes, and about us - ways to reconnect more with the addition of our Jumping Bean. We also spoke about our needs and wants.

When M got home for lunch he slept me off my feet and we just held each other for a long time standing up and kissed so tenderly. It was greatly needed after we had texted a while that day too.

After we pulled away from our kisses still hugging me M looked into my eyes and told me the plan that he had come up with for this weekend.

Saturday night he had his LAN Party planned out for a while but instead of me remaining at home with Jumping Bean we were going to drop him off overnight at his parents and I was going to go to the party with him. The next day M had a fun, easy, and great date planned for us before we picked the wee one up again.

It was a perfect time together for us to talk, and the time to ourselves that he had planned sounded very much needed and I jumped on the opportunity.

Since our conversation we have been spending more time together involved, and have increased our cuddle time back to high levels which is what we both need to function correctly in life ;) getting enough cuddles and kisses is fuel and necessary because we are both highly tuned to it.

God I love my M to death. He’s a great person and breathtaking wonderful.


Anonymous asked: Assholes like you who trick women into sex while your already married are the reasons guys like me can't land a decent fucking girl! Grow up!


Oh. Gee. I’m sorry. I can’t hear you over the sound of my balls slapping against the bodies of all the gorgeous women who EAGERLY, WILLINGLY, AND WITH BOTH FULL CONSENT AND FULL KNOWLEDGE OF MY NON-SINGLE STATUS CHOOSE TO SLEEP WITH ME.

Obviously your problem has nothing to do with your assumption that women have to be tricked into sex or your evident belief that a fuckwad like yourself deserves a certain allotment of vagina.

Go choke on a wiener or something.


If you took off your fedora, stopped believing that everyone else instead of you is at fault for your lack of women, got your head out of your ass, and grew up you might maybe stand a chance in life.

Through I find that unlikely because dicks like you believe you are a god given gift and that others should worship you.

News flash anon - you aren’t and EVERYONE sees through you - especially the women that you think you deserve.


Anonymous asked: Your parents are absolutely right about polyamory and you should stay away from it before you get hurt. It's a great theory but it NEVER works out that way in real life. You will always go into it with good intentions and get used and hurt. Whatever ground rules you think you'll have will be ignored by these poly sleaze bags. Stay away for your own sake




Honestly, I think what’s most important are the people. You have to have people you trust and know won’t abuse your trust. I believe most polyamorous partners can have a successful relationship if they all are open about what they are doing. So while I see your point of view, I think we should agree to disagree. Thank you for your opinion though! 

What the dear anon fails to understand is this:

How often are good intentions misconstrued and ground rules broken in MONOGAMOUS relationships? Judging by the 50% divorce rate, which doesn’t even count people who remain married yet miserable, or legally married but physically separated…. Yeah.

Opening yourself up to ANY relationship, let alone more than one, is inviting a risk because the sad  truth of any relationship is that they all involve people, and people often suck. People make mistakes and bad decisions and let irrational fears or temptation of instant gratification get the better of them. Poly people cheat just like mono people cheat. Poly people lie just like mono people lie.

You’re very right in that the right people can make all the difference in that, of course~ Just understand that no one is perfect, and even though the right people will minimize the chances of drama, you’re still likely to have bumps occasionally. But as long as you all understand that, and don’t expect each other to be perfect, and are willing to communicate “hey this is why that hurt me” “this is why I did what I did” “this is how we can make that better in the future” and so-forth, and forgive each other and actually commit to the discussed changes— to let your relationship grow and evolve and change as you do— then I’m sure you’ll be in for a wonderful ride~ :3

^^^ THIS. ^^^

Anyone who claims to know that any sort of relationship NEVER works will pretty much ALWAYS be ill-informed and incorrect.

Processing - Feelings of Inadequate

Ever since the other day after catching M in the act of watching porn to get himself off after I was all over him for the past half hour I have done a lot of thinking and processing of my emotions. Porn has never bothered me in the past and in fact it’s something that I really love - both as an activity together and solo. My reaction was very much out of the norm for me and the opposite of who I have always been. But, because I reacted so severely I knew that I had some thinking to do to uncover the root cause of my reaction. I saw my reaction as I see jealously and that is an indication that something deeper is bothering me. I had to get to the bottom of what my issue was.

I was having an insecurity and something was the root cause - and so I set out to discover what it was.

After doing a shit ton of processing of my innermost thoughts I have learned more about myself, and understand myself more. Not just regarding my out of the norm reaction this other day but other topics too. 

 Final Thoughts: watching the porn is not what made me feel inadequate. What made me feel inadequte was: 

  1. My body is still recovering from the c-section.
  2. Because my body is still recovering from the c-section sex is still painful more times than it’s not.
  3. Because the sex can be quite painful it takes my body longer to get into the mood - I need more foreplay than ever before even though we found a lube that works well with my body.
  4. Lack of time before M had to go to work he went into the other room onto his computer to use the porn to get off quickly because he had to leave for work in another five minutes - I can’t get him off in under that amount of time. 
  5. I felt inadequte because my body doesn’t want to behave itself no matter how much I desire the sex and that makes me feel worthless because I take it hard that I can’t have sex much anymore and/or that it hurts and my body doesn’t get excited quickly anymore. 

And goddamn I love sex and want it all the time but my body hates me since the very beginning of my pregnancy and has done nothing but cause me complication after complication since the very beginning. GRRRR! 

Add to that my severe depression (even though I am on meds) and things hit harder than ever. 


Anonymous asked: Hi :)I have always been monogamous but 1 month ago I went on vacation and I discovered polyamorous things and I am pretty disturbed now cause I would love to try and see if it could be right for me... In this place, I dated several times with a polyamorous girl (who is in couple with somebody for 7 years ..), we had some great / flirty / affectionate moments together and I am pretty sure I have started developing feelings about her... I feel so bad and ashamed about it. Any tips for me ?

Why are you feeling such disturbance at discovering this polyamorous world that was below the surface? You have nothing, and I really do mean NOTHING, to be ashamed about. There is nothing wrong with polyamory, although it is not a relationship style that everyone is cut out for.  

As for tips, I recommend talking to others that are poly and who have experience in the life style. Surround yourself by people who are tolerant and open minded. Do some research, watch some documentaries, talk with others, join a group, go to meets. 

There is nothing to be ashamed about polyamory as long as everyone is happy, honest and have given their (informed) consent. 

Love is a beautiful thing that need not be limited as society has taught us our entire life.  

Feelings of Inadequate

This morning I am having extreme feelings of inadequate, sadness, and worthlessness. The reason being is one that has never been an issue before - and that is porn.I caught M red-handed this morning with a porn video of a girl giving a man a blowjob with his penis out and a paper towel held to catch his mess. The sound was barely on. He reacted guility, and said “Caught red-handed.” He immediately turned the video off and pulled his pants up after he saw my reaction of just completely overcome with something negative and I just shut down.

Normally things like this never make me beat an eye, but I was JUST in bed with him not even five minutes before for the past half hour ALL over him rubbing his back everywhere, kissed his shoulder, laying 3/4s on him and telling him how much I love him, how handsome he is etc. I was definitely horny and wide awake and our son was out cold. 

And the funny thing is, I knew that he was going to go wack off when he was putting his pants on. He appeared to be halfway hard and I immediately noticed that he paused while pulling his pants up and only zippered them halfway instead of all the way. While he put his pants on I was sitting up in bed wide awake, and than I stayed in the bed for a minute or two before walking out of the bedroom and into the living room where I caught him red-headed as I suspected. 

Normally this would never bother me and never has before, but this morning I felt so hurt, worthless and sad. Even betrayed. I was JUST all over him. I went to bed early last night with him after going to the bathroom because I wanted the D than too instead of staying up doing my own thing when he went to bed so early. I had climbed into bed and was going to jump him - than he handed me the baby - thus foiling my plan. 

Than this morning happened. After I was all over him for the past half hour. I feel so hurt. Am I not good enough? Does he not want me? I am having such feelings of worthlessness right now and I am crying as a result. I am rarely;y sensitive but this is just sending me through the winger this morning. I know that I am good - and M always responds immediately and thoroughly. 

I also know that M just wanted to get a quick one off before work because he had to leave soon, and he confirmed my knowledge without me asking, yet still it strung for some reason this morning. I had just been all over him for an half hour - why did he not roll over for me so I could give him head than? Instead he lays in bed than got up and decided to get himself off to porn while getting dressed in front of me while I am sitting there watching him. 

Than when I caught him he turned the porn off and pulled his pants back up. He could have continued and gotten himself off while I watched, but he didn’t. I am someone that LOVES LOVES LOVES to watch - yet he stopped after I caught him. 

I really think that what upset me most of all about all this isn’t the fact that he was watching pron (which never bothers me) but the fact that he waited until the last minute instead of inviting me to play with him - as well as the fact that he stopped once I caught him. He came into the living room while I was wide awake and all over him to get himself off and he stopped when I caught him. 

I am not joking when I say this but I was so confused and hurt. Once he immediately stopped I stood up off the couch and walked out of the room. My head was hanging all the way down and my shoulders were rounded and my arms where hanging limp. I was just so hurt, so sad and I felt worthless. As if the only reason that I exist now is to take care of our son and do chores around the house. I don’t feel sexy because sex is still painful for me since the emergency c-section and the issues that I have been having with my guts since.

I know that Mike didn’t set out to hurt me this morning, and I also know that my reaction was like none that I’ve ever had before. I have no issues with porn and I really enjoy watching porn - both with him and alone at times. 

My reaction this morning to something that has never once bothered me showed me that I have a issue going on at the moment with myself feeling inadequate and thus I need to sort myself out / get to the root cause of why it hurt me so much this morning. 

Have you ever experienced something like this? Would you be willing to share your experience with me and what your root cause was and how you figured it out?

Since I was young, I have always known this: Life damages us, every one. We can’t escape that damage. But now, I am also learning this: We can be mended. We mend each other. — Veronica Roth (via maxkirin)

(via ever-changing-phoenix)


Reblog this if you’re ok with polyamory. I’m trying to prove a point to my parents. 

(via thepolyguy)

Available does not mean Interested

This has been bothering me for a very long time, and it’s something that I find a lot of people in my life (both online and in person) have issues with.

For starters, just because someone is available, or even single, does not automatically mean they are interested in you. Individuals have their own personalities, their own interests and tastes and life experiences and qualities that they are looking for. Just because they are available does not mean that they are interested in you.

Also, just because someone is available it doesn’t automatically mean that they are “on the prowl” per say. Some people are available but are not spending their energy looking, and this is perfectly okay. Just because one is available to date doesn’t mean that they have to be dating.

It is okay to be single and not looking for a partner, as it is okay to be in a polyamorous relationship, or any of the non-monogamous relationship styles, and not actively looking for an extra partner or partners.

The beauty in life is to live as you see best - that is as long as everything is honest and consent without purposely trying to hurt others.




Maude White

I’m. Not. Worthy.


Beyond into it.

(via feistyqueer)

The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.

Stephen King (via purplebuddhaproject)


(via chachalaboom)


(via rhojoprocesses)

(via rhojoprocesses)